My brain is the prom-night date rape product of Nabokov, W.C. Fields, and Lord Byron after being skull fucked by Deadpool. If, of course, their after-prom was at a con-artist-run carnival that played Pinkly Smooth on a loop through an obnoxious PA system. Throw in a prom-night back alley abortion, and you’ve got me. I genuinely question the sanity of any man who will listen to me ramble for more than a minute’s passing. Now that you understand where I’m at, how about some witty little aphorisms that I wrote?
“Violence is never the answer. Unless the question is, “what is never the answer?” Then the answer is violence. The juxtaposition also works for Jesus.”
“I haven’t prayed at night since I was 12. Not just because I’m an atheist but because I realised that I need at least one hand to masturbate.”
“They say each cigarette takes 7 minutes off of your life. To that, I say, ‘promise?!'”
“I never liked Jesus too much until I heard that he wanted me to love thy neighbour and I moved next to the brewery!”
“I possess the absolute bare minimum requirement of humility to admit that I am the most egotistical prick I’ve ever seen.”
“I remember the time I got hooked on phonics. It was like reading Dante’s Inferno… Damn these post-acute withdrawals.”
That will do for now. If you couldn’t tell, my humour is very much influenced by W.C. Fields. I owe a lot to that man, my love of booze, women… and possibly some royalties. Hope you enjoyed!
– Stephen J. Dawson Jr.